BEER QUOTES:

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!

Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Cliff Clavin, of Cheers explains the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

~Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

~Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

~Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.

~Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

~Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

~David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

~Oscar Wilde

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out you nose.

~Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

~Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold?  So you can tell it from urine.

~David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.

~Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

~Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

~Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad.  Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

~Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.

~George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.

~Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

~For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

~Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

~Homer Simpson

Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. And girlfriends, take heed. There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.